I met the friendliest cop last night
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
