Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
