So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
