I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
