we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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