gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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