Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
