There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Still dying that you shit outside
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
