I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
