no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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