i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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