her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
