my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
