Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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