If i come over, it means nothing
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
