so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
