I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
