Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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