i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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