i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
