Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
