You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
