Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
