I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
