I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
