i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
