I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
