I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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