i was born a porn star she said
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
