Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
