I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
