last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
