Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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