he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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