i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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