her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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