Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
