I want to make a zoo with you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
