I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
