nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
