Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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