If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
