how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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