I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
