She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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