saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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