there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
