My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
