i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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