Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
