Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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